The Crazy Life of a Crazy Real Estate Heiress

0302 Volts

2007-11-27T14:18:00.000-08:00

I awoke this morning to the familiar, arrhythmic clanging of antiquated pipes, a sound that once drove the sane mad and drove the mad (yours truly) to a peaceful slumber. I've recently been having dreams, nightmares that until the morning after Thanksgiving I could not remember.

At dusk, terrible shrieks apparently echoed through the halls of the Manor. My brother saw that I was awake, and we went downstairs for the annual lighting of the Christmas tree, a majestic and immortal (plastic?) Douglass fir. The Christmas lights buzzed, stunned by electric current, and then suddenly, a seemingly disconnected sonata, reminiscent of a Schoenberg composition, banged from the pipes. I always knew my sister would come back; she wasn't dead, simply dormant.

Weakened, she could only physically manifest herself as electrical current, and then flowed through the conducive metal pipes -- her favorite mode of travel. My horrific visions are crystallizing; she will regain her strength.

Bold Move

2007-01-16T13:10:00.000-08:00

Figuring it to be sufficient notice, I told my sister today that I'd be moving out in 30 days. She remarked that family members must give 30 years' notice, and even then D. might not approve it. I hate her so much right now.

She also asked where exactly I was planning on moving. I had not anticipated this trick question, so I simply said, "Across the street." D. reminded me that things did not end very well for a tenant who recently attempted such a thing. Something involving a garbage chute? I have no fucking idea what she's talking about, nor do I ever.

Fear

2006-10-27T06:31:00.000-07:00

D is getting the guitine ready. She can smell the stench of organization. She went to the roof last night and quivered with fear. No one can see her on the roof, or so she thinks.

Cold hearted bitch

2006-10-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

So while she was out roaming the building, I read my sister's journal!

I sense revolution brews in the hearts of my people -- but I do not live in fear. I will deprive them of the heat necessary for survival in the upcoming winter months. Even mighty Napoleon's army succumbed to the Russian cold. The weak among them will die, and the strength of their leaders will deteriorate until they are no longer a threat.

The seeds of revolution may have been planted, but they cannot withstand the frost.

Usually, she likes to rain on people's parades; I guess this time it's more like snow!

A dish best served cold

2006-10-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

Most people agree that the funniest section of the newspaper is the comics. But not my sister. She always gets a good chuckle out of the Weather page, particularly around this time of year. "A low of 37 degrees tonight," she said aloud this morning. She glanced at the nearest thermostat, which read 59 degrees. My sister's policy on indoor heating: So long as it's warmer inside than out, the heat remains off.

Seasons may change, but not D. She's the same greedy, cold-blooded wench she's always been. In fact, it's this last quality that allows her to thrive under the frigid, inhuman conditions she so enthusiastically imposes upon her tenants.

Missing person

2006-10-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

Where is Katherine Kelly? I saw her face on a milk carton. Has she been found yet? I am deeply worried. I wonder if she will pop up anywhere. Perhaps the Airforce.

Cats and Dogs

2006-10-06T07:22:00.000-07:00

Its raining. I hope the roof doesn't leak. I'm just not strong enough to handle her backhand today.

My fingers hurt so bad I can barely type!

2006-10-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

There's nothing D. likes more than power, so when she heard that "knowledge is power," she immediately teleported to the family library, located in the laundry room. She found a copy of Rumplestiltskin -- and became inspired. She purchased an old spinning wheel and demanded I spend the day weaving straw into gold. Booooring.

My sister has always accused me of being the impractical dreamer in the family, but I guess everything's practical when you have all that power.

Ouch

2006-10-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

I won't get into details as to why I stuck my hand through the office mail slot this morning. Let's just say it's not what you think, OK?

Anyway, I just got back from Sibley, where I received five stitches on the palm of my right hand. Apparently when my sister saw something other than a rent check poking through the slot this morning, she attacked. I swear, I think she files her dentures.

I hate her.

Book of Life and Money

2006-10-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

D views Jews as her prime competition as real-estate moguls. Though, no one is as cheap as D.

You may know that yesterday was the Day of Atonement or Yom Kippur for the Jews. They are, among other things, forbidden to go to work. D sees this as a prime opportunity to try and get out there and do some dirty work. Needless to say she was very busy yesterday with her sabotaging and self promoting efforts.

I was forced to prepare Molotov cocktails for D. She then threw them at select competitive buildings she knows are run by Jews. During the attack D covered her lincense plate with an embroidered cloth that said "Hail Hitler." It’s a good thing the security cameras in DC aren’t worth shit.

More like Ms. P.!

2006-10-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

An overwhelming stench of sulfur marks the presence of the devil. My sister has done business with him, and let me tell you, the building stinks for quite a few hours after he's gone!

D.'s no devil, but she's certainly a capitalist pig. That button-nose is actually a cute little pig nose. Whenever she explores a tenant's quarters, the apartment stinks of bacon -- the fattiest form of pork, incidentally.

Shocking, really

2006-09-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

My sister and I were engaged last night in my weekly electroconvulsive therapy session, colloquially known as ECT. I'm still a little drowsy from the anaesthesia, but as D. says, better to be temporarily drowsy than delusionally psychopathic and unremittingly suicidal.

(Ha ha ha, I love my sister's little sayings. If I could knit or were allowed to own a set of needles, I'd stitch it upon a pillow!)

Addendum: I apologize to my sister's downstairs neighbors. Whilst inducing a bilateral tonic clonic seizure, Old Butterfingers dropped an electrode and caused quite a noisy stir. I told her to be more careful, but before I knew it, D. had slapped the electrode onto my scalp and I was bouncing like a rent check!

Bloody Hell (icopter)

2006-09-28T12:41:00.000-07:00

I have a concussion and a broken nose because D kicked my ass again.

She is still bitter about the leaks on the roof this spring curses every time the creditors call to get her to pay them. They haven’t realized all financial inquiries should be forwarded to her ‘friends’ in Switzerland.

After browsing through the high resolution photos of the building, which she gets from a ‘friend’ at the FBI, she confirmed her suspicions that it was my fault the roof got tore up. I had tried to paint the pope's face on the roof to use as a helicopter landing pad. Well the roof was so old that when I was walking around my leg just went right through. I thought I had escaped unnoticed, until today when I experienced (like so many times before) the wrath of my sister.

Today she beat with her steel-toed timbalands. Who knows what may be in store. Pray for me.

Update: D's wrath opened the heavens and it is pouring.

Drama Queen

2006-09-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

Last night, I went to the movies with my sister and saw Renaissance. D. has great admiration (and a bit of professional envy, if you ask me) for Queen Elizabeth I. Oh boy was she surprised when the movie included NOTHING about *that* renaissance. They showed a lot of old buildings falling apart, which is a touchy subject with her. She stormed out of the theatre!

Yo yo yo

2006-09-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

My sister's fledgling rap career is really taking off. She's leveraged her experience as a one-time manager of a girl band (Perhaps you've heard of them - The Dee's, of 1950s fame?) and taken the Billboard Landlady 100 by storm. She's got the skills - although not enough to pay the bills. Fortunately her children do that for her.

She's performing at 1223 this weekend under the stage name Mizz D. Meaner. Tickets are priced in a fashion similar to that of her apartments: exorbitantly and without reason.

Country Road.

2006-09-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

My sister spent the weekend at her country estate. I made her a mix tape of some of her favorite songs. As a symbol of my love I even wrote out the lyrics. D got mad because her Benz convertible doesn't take cassette tapes. I don't have access to the better technology. D laughed at my efforts and drove over the mix tape and the lyrics with her car the tires (17 inch rims) destroyed all my hard work. I need to find better ways to show D my affection.

I have included some of D's favorite lyrics for your enjoyment.

Take Me Home, Country Roads

Almost heaven, West Virginia
Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River
Life is old there, older than the trees
Younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze

Country roads, take me home to the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama, take me home, country roads.

West Virginia, Chose Me

But a few of us are staying
And it's not a point of choice
It's not we who do the choosing
We are chosen by the place
And West Virginia chose me
Sure as my own mother knows me
If I leave you, West Virginia,
It don't matter where I roam
I don't know where I'm going
But I know I'm coming home

I Can't Ever Leave
The sun’s high above West Virginia
Drives all the shadows from the land
My chin in my hands
My heart on my sleeve
So far away but I can’t ever leave West Virginia

Dogging it

2006-09-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

My sister has had a weird bug. She has not been able to stop sneezing. All of her holistic remedies have so far failed her. She has the paranoid idea that a tenant (nay, child) is breaking the ultimate law of Ms. D. She fears the worst, that they have discovered her only vulnerability and are exploiting her weakness.

DOGS!

D has sent me on a wild goose chase to find the child who is illegally harboring a pet. She is resentful of the special relationship people have with their dogs she feels they should have this type of affection for their landlady. I have entered every apartment at least twice in the past week; this has prevented me from posting. Every search has come up empty for a dog. Though I have found valium, pot, and vodka. My confession is that I steal vodka from the tenants and refill their bottles with water. I have also stolen boxer briefs from an apartment on the 3rd floor.

D isn't sneezing because of a dog allergy. Her conscience is finally catching up to her.

Wee!

2006-09-11T14:05:00.001-07:00

I found a rug outside of someone's door and decided to play flying carpet with it. I'm not allowed to play fly or else my sister medicates me. I don't think she's cultured enough to know that in the middle east they have carpets that fly. Anyway, now I lost it.

Holiday! Celebrate!

2006-09-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

It's a holiday weekend, and I couldn't be any more excited! My sister and I will be cruising in her Mercedes convertible to our West Virginia bohemian resort, where we'll be maxin', relaxin', and, of course, taxin' (the guests). What better way to celebrate the Feast of D----ysus, right?

Addendum: Sources tell me it is also Labor Day weekend. It's ironic, given that my sister has never labored for even a minute, let alone an entire day.

I can't feel my legs, and it's not the pills!

2006-08-31T11:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't updated. I just got back from work. It's a long commute to-and-fro Alexandria, and I walk. I wish my sister would give me a ride in her Benz convertible. She even drove by me last night with the top down, screaming out "money ain't a thing."

Aliens

2006-08-28T06:50:00.000-07:00

I think my sister should allow more people from Mexico and below (to make matters easier we'll call them all Mexicans) live in the building. I think people are starting to realize my sister has made an illegal immigrant her slave. Despite Americans general disregard for rights of illegal aliens at the Manor the residents are for more rational. I don't think they would approve of my sister keeping a slave in the building.

Sorry

2006-08-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to update much recently because my sister has been hogging the computer. She started her own blog -- here.

I've always been the more persistent one. I think she's always been jealous of that. She tried to kill it by having me institutionalized for being monomaniacal... and dangerously disillusioned.

Girls just wanna have fun.

Its electric

2006-08-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

My sister is worried about the rising costs of the electric bills - she still doesn't believe her energy stocks are enough to keep her afloat - she is trying anything possible to cut costs. She took out her prized gun, a Westley Richards Single Barrel, and shot the lights out in the back of the building. Now she wont have to pay for the motion detector in the lightly travelled back alley.

This wasn't enough for my sister. She thinks that the residents have been spoiled with more than one light in the laundry room. She made me climb up onto the machine and unscrew the light over the dryer. This is not all, I also had to unscrew the lights in the hallway and near the water meter.

My sister has charged me with the duty of maintaining this project, whenever children screw the lights back in I have to unscrew them. This game could go on forever, it is not fun and my arms hurt.

Dominus D.

2006-08-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

Of all the world's religions, Christian Science appeals most to my sister. After all, followers believe God's will determines whether and when they fall ill or die. I think D. worries about a power out there higher than herself, but likes the assurance that He wants her to be alive -- forever.

She permitted a few Christian Scientists to live freely (not for free, mind you) in the building, hoping that maybe they'd put in a good word for her. They came and left as they wished -- until this weekend, when they found out she had a sister whom she heavily medicated. They left for good, I think. She's pretty upset.

Maybe it's the $1500 that won't be there for her next month, or maybe -- just maybe, Momma D. doesn't like to see her children leave the nest.

Pack Rat

2006-08-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

My sister loves material items. She loves them so much she refuses to throw anything way. She has so much junk that when she opens her closet, or even her office, junk just comes billowing out. If she believed in throwing things away wouldn't she make the garbage shoot a reasonable size. Something that could at least fit a 250lbs body?

Dirty Old Bitch

2006-08-16T14:11:00.000-07:00

Given everything she does for the building -- that is, recruit tenants and collect their rent -- a lot of people are awestruck to learn that my sister doesn't use a computer system. She's actually scared of technology.

In fact, she doesn't shower, but takes baths or goes to bathhouses a la ancient Rome.

Manor of Hard Knocks

2006-08-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

During the Great Depression (And it was pretty great!), the Manor was an orphanage, and D. was its keeper. She ruled the roost with an iron fist, profiting in many ways from the children she giddily held captive. One fond memory that comes to mind involves a little girl who once dared stray from her quarters past curfew. When morning came and she discovered that D. had not amputated any limbs (as D. is wont to do to little girls that misbehave), the girl breathed a sigh of relief - she had gotten away with it!

Of course, D. had the last laugh. The little girl grew older and became striken with ovarian cancer. It's amazing what happens when your orphanlady poisons your breakfast with lead paint chips every morning for seven years!

Fraud

2006-08-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

My sister is contemplating accepting rent via credit cards. Her strategy is to get the tenents (nay, children) to trust her enough to give her their credit card numbers. Then she will start buying all the oil in Alaska using their credit cards.

The landlady days

2006-08-11T13:36:00.000-07:00

The dog days of August are a lot worse when you're anxiously awaiting Sept 1. In fact, the only day in August that my sister likes is the 1st -- which she calls a "puppy day."

Every year on that day, she wears a sweatshirt with a puppy ironed onto the front.

Final answer

2006-08-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

MTV approached my sister about shooting a pilot episode for a reality show tentatively titled "Who Wants to Be a Landlady?" D. would be the host - of course - but problems have already arisen due to my sister's demands in regard to compensation. She wants to charge the contestants, the crew and even the audience a monthly fee to participate in the show. The producers begged her to reconsider, but D. stuck to her guns. "This business model has worked for me my entire life, and I'm not about to change my ways for some fancy Hollywood types," my sister said. I'm proud of D. for sticking to her values - of course, when your values are as valuable as my sister's, you'd be a fool to abandon them!

Alright, I'm outta here - I gots to take a dump.

Abracadabra

2006-08-09T17:51:00.000-07:00

My sister has a little trick she always does at children's birthday parties. She swallows a lump of coal (yes, this began one Christmas when she was a little girl) and -- voila! -- shits out a diamond.

In fact, the engagement ring JFK gave to Jackie was a gift to the Kennedys from my sister. She never liked the Democrats much!

TMI?

2006-08-08T13:30:00.000-07:00

How many licks does it take to get to the center of my sister's heart?

Trick question! D. doesn't have a heart. Also, she's more anal than oral, if you know what I mean.

None of your beeswax!

2006-08-07T20:55:00.000-07:00

From now on, if someone asks me about my sister's orientation, I'm just going to say "sexual." It's not like she's applying for jobs... or reproducing by any means other than spreading her spores.

Imagine if a tenant tried this with rent!

2006-08-04T18:31:00.000-07:00

Noticing that my sister was in her office, the plumber walked in and demanded, "You're so cheap, you squeak when you walk. I haven't been paid in 2 months, and I have a family to feed!"

She leaned into him and whispered, "I seem to have misplaced my coin purse. Isn't there any other way I can pay you?" He ran out screaming...

New Job

2006-08-03T12:08:00.000-07:00

I read on a phone pole this afternoon that I could make up to $500 a week if I called the number on the flyer. This seemed like a lot of money at the time, but when I calculated the figures on D.'s abacus, I realized that my sister makes that same sum in an hour!

Are there any other easy ways a desperate woman like myself could make $500 in an hour? Let me know if you think of anything!

SECRET

2006-08-02T20:37:00.000-07:00

I took a book out of the laundry room/library, and the wall rotated, revealing a safe full of stolen laundry money. Oh big sis, they never run out, do they?

Poor Unfortunate D.

2006-08-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

A tenant came to D.'s office yesterday to inform her that she'd soon be moving out. My sister just laughed and said that the only way you could terminate your lease is if you bought the apartment back from our family.

"The only way to get what you want is to become a landlady yourself," D. said.

The tenant glared at my sister with suspicion. "Can you do that?"

"My dear, sweet child," D. said. "That's what I do. It's what I live for. To help unfortunate tenants like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to."

It was D. who then brought up the subject of payment. "I'm not asking much," my sister said. "Just a token, really, a trifle! What I want from you is - your voice."

The tenant objected, of course, and fled from the room. Whatever - D.'s a very busy woman and she hasn't got all day. An apartment at the Manor doesn't cost much. Just your voice!

Supernova explosions in her colon

2006-07-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

Sir Winston Churchill was a man who shit a lot, so during his brief courtship with my sister, one of the first things he noticed about her apartment was the creepy lack of toilet paper. It's true; she doesn't shit.

She's so cheap that she doesn't want to waste anything, and her body converts all fecal matter into energy.

My back hurts

2006-07-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

My back really hurts and I just can't come up with the right pill cocktail. I have a pharmacy to choose to from (there are lots of colors) but nothing works. Of course we know it’s all my sisters fault. She made me move a huge couch off the fourth floor yesterday. It had been there for over a month and finally my sister gave in to the complaining children and made me move it. I think my sister is tampering with my pills; she's just replacing them with colorful sugar pills. No fun

I have one brother, not two

2006-07-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

I was flipping through an old issue of Tiger Beat from 1863, when they put D. on the cover under the words "Teen Heartthrob." Young women from across the country just loved her, but that all came to an end when they realized in 1864 that D. was in fact a girl.

That shouldn't come as a surprise though. D.'s gender identity is as delusive and misleading as an apartment lease.

This is what I did last night!

2006-07-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

I didn't see any images of Nazis though because my sister says the Holocaust never happened. I believe her. I mean, she is almost 600 years old!

Dirty Little Secret

2006-07-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

I was reading my sister's diary and found out a secret. If my sister has one regret its that she was hoaxed into paying for water. She doens't take it out on the man who rapped and conned her out of the water profits hundreds of years ago, she has other ideas. My sister always looks at the big picture. She put lead in the water. Her theory is that if she can't profit from the water then she should create a scandel so large she wouldn't want to have anything to do with water. But this wasn't enough for my dear sister. She tortures he tenents, er, children, with the fact that she pays for their showers. She keeps dishwashers out of homes. Between 7 and 8 AM when people are awaking and showering for their real jobs. D fiddles with the valves so that not one child can have a temperate shower. She like to here screams when the water is scorching. She doesn't know which is preferable the screams from the heat or the yelps from the cold. It is one of her favorite topics.

Out and About

2006-07-24T14:59:00.000-07:00

My sister's steppin' out for a public affair - and not at the courthouse this time! Now that she's passed on all the maintenance work to others in the family (thereby passing on all the savings to herself), D. has had plenty of time to "paint the town red" if you know what I mean.

Addendum: No, of course my sister can't menstruate. Why on Earth would you ask?

Sometimes I have sympathy for her...

2006-07-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

I always demonize her, but my sister isn't so bad. She's a woman of wealth and taste, who's been around for a long, long year. She's stole many a man's soul and faith. She was round when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and pain and made damn sure that Pilate washed his hands and sealed his fate.

Mental Illness

2006-07-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and told my sister that I am sick. She asked how that would make today different from any other day. I see her point.

Let me tell you how it is.

2006-07-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have been talkin' and askin' why someone with my sister's money walks around in the same cat sweatshirt and elastic waistband jeans every day.

It's because she's never had anyone she needed to impress.

Bombs over Connecticut Heights

2006-07-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

D. is not pleased; people are moving out of the building in droves. Jeez, my sister shoots a few missles at the competing residential properties across the street, and tenants evacuate the Manor like it's the freakin' Middle East!

This might make you hungry, lol!

2006-07-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

My sister normally doesn't redecorate her "dwelling" until a tenant escapes, leaving personal belongings behind and often in the garbage room. Since she makes about $85,000 a month, she decided to buy a obscenely laquered $62,000 reproduction of an antique dining table. I don't think we're going to use it though.

For hundreds of years, we've been eating at the same table; it stretches from wall to wall. She sits at one end and I sit in a child's seat at the other. We don't talk much at dinner because "she has nothing to say to me." It's about 100 feet long and was pictured in the Da Vinci's Last Supper.

Sometimes, I refuse to eat because she's stolen my will to live.

Crime pays

2006-07-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of talk these days about escalating crime rates in Washington - and for once, my sister is not to be blamed!

Unsurprisingly, D. pins responsibility squarely on black people. I, on the other hand, take issue with the police. They could really learn a thing or two from my sister. All this nonsense about warrants and probable cause. My sister just lets herself into the tenants' apartments whenever she pleases, and you can bet your bottom $47 that the building is always on its toes.

The only recent Manor-specific crime wave that comes to mind is glass down the garbage chute. We are still dealing with that.

Nasty

2006-07-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

The old hag got caught in the rain while flying around, and now the whole building smells like wet dog.

"Tile" Death Do Us Part

2006-07-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

It took me nearly 15 minutes to re-tile a tenant's bathroom yesterday - much longer than I had anticipated. My sister at first instructed me to use the leftover self-sticking linoleum we had lying around from when we "repaired" the roof, but then she changed her mind and insisted on using the bones of deceased residents. (D. and recycling? Who knew!)

I was annoyed by D.'s change of heart, but it turns out that the new flooring looks very nice - white, but not too white. After all, the bones belonged to a black man.

Cough!

2006-07-11T13:04:00.000-07:00

I think my lungs must be white, coated in plaster dust. My sister made me retile a tenant's floor. I wanted to do a good job and have the whole thing match, but she said "Don't bother."

Toot toot

2006-07-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

D. just farted and then blamed it on the gargoyle. Nice try, sis. We all know that a gargoyle's fart doesn't smell of lilac.

I slept for 19 hours!

2006-07-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

Last night, the weather was decidedly nice for the first time in a while. My sister climbed to the roof to reflect on her long life, and forced me to take sleeping pills. I watched television as I dozed off and COPS came on.

It was the episode where my sister gets thrown in jail for jealously beating up an vulnerable old lady, whose apartment building happens to have 53, one more than my sister's 52, units.

Squeak squeak

2006-07-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

My sister's ex-boyfriend Aaron Burr once famously said, "Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Delay may give clearer light as to what is best to be done." And that's what D. liked best about Aaron: his sense of humor. Indeed, why do today what you can put off indefinitely? Delay may give clearer light to some, but to my sister, it saves a pretty penny.

That said, it should come as no surprise that it nearly killed D. to call on the services of an emergency elevator repairman last night. With no functioning elevator at their disposal, the tenants had grown uneasy this weekend, and my sister feared they would soon take matters into their own thieving, unwashed hands. It cost her nearly $500 (an hour's wage) to fix the lift in time. D. was not pleased, but it sure beats facing the business end of a tenant-lead revolution.

Speaking of revolution, the celebration of our nation's independence has nearly come to a close. Ah, independence - must be nice! I wouldn't know.

No, this doesn't mean she likes Jewish people...

2006-07-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

Whenever the first of July falls on a weekend that is extended for the Independence Day holiday, confusion arises. Tenants never know when to deliver their rent checks and on each day of the long weekend, my sister finds a small heap of checks, just waiting to be cashed.

She calls it "Hannukah."

First of July

2006-06-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

Tenants are somehow under the impression that rent is due not on the first day of the month, but the first business day of the month. I bring this up because the first of the month falls on a Saturday this time around.

That said, Monday is not a federal holiday. If you don't turn in rent by Monday, be prepared to face the boundless, unhinged fury of my sister. You'll be spending the Fourth of July on the lawn of the Mall, enjoying the fireworks, but there you'll stay, because you'll be homeless and have nowhere else to go.

Have a great weekend!

OK U 2

2006-06-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

My brother and sister have been at each other's throats, ever since the rains came and almost destroyed the roof. She thinks she's going to get money from FEMA for buckets to scoop out the water, but he says she has no brains. I think he's being an asshole because she has a PhD. in the Inhumanities. I'm sick of hearing it, so I keep saying "OK, you two," hoping they'll notice I'm the normal one. Nothing yet...

Never Forget

2006-06-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

My sister is still angry about Sunday's storm. When the fire department came to clear water from the roof, they simply tossed it off the edge. D. had actually wanted them to transfer the water to 20-ounce bottles so that she could sell them to tenants and turn a profit.

My sister also failed to capitalize on all the free electricity that has been shooting down from the Heavens, so she's angry about that, too.

At least the first is coming up...

2006-06-27T10:36:00.000-07:00

The past few days have apparently been hell for my sister. I've been too heavily medicated to notice though. I woke up on Sunday evening to the smell of a wet dog and looked up to see her drenched in water. She had been flying around looking for an open bank, under the assumption that all banks are run by Jews and are thus closed on Saturday, not Sunday.

She made me get a bucket and scoop a few metric tons of water off of the roof, in the middle of a thunderstorm. I have a metal plate in my head and could have easily been struck by lighting. She just doesn't care.

Good times

2006-06-26T06:18:00.000-07:00

My sister and I have a lot in common. For instance, we are both really into the green stuff.

UPDATE: I'm talking about money. Jesus, what did you think I meant?

Ouch

2006-06-23T13:48:00.000-07:00

It burns when I poop, and I don't remember eating anything spicy. I woke up in a daze this morning and think my sister may have installed a tracking device while I was asleep.

Now what?

Monster D. Hit

2006-06-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD, I AM SO HIGH.

Hot damn, I've got more downers in me than a mental hospital. Shiiit.

At least her apartment has a window...

2006-06-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

I've been taking care of my sister today. She was travelling through a time-warp and hit her head. Apparently, November 1, 1929 (the first Landlady's day after the Stock Market Crash) was particularly rewarding.

D. = Zee?

2006-06-20T11:08:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about gender identity - my sister's gender identity, in particular. Sure, her hands are as large as her savings account, but really, what does that mean?

I still think she is a woman, regardless of what she drunkenly confessed to me last night.

I was made for showbiz!

2006-06-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry I didn't update on Friday. My sister turned off the internet to punish me for my misbehavior on Thursday night. She says that the Internet makes solitary confinement a lot less effective.

Anyway...

The Freemasons, a collection of people with whom she's had sex throughout the years, roasted her that evening. Caught up in everything, she forgot to give me the day's medication.

She sipped scotch and puffed on a corn cob pipe, listening to their banter. Suddenly, I don't know what got into me, but I started screaming "A corn cob pipe and a button-nose and a soul made out of coal!" The crowd thought I was hilarious, and someone even suggested that maybe I wasn't crazy and could easily manage my finances!

At least her button nose is Heavenly.

2006-06-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

One summer, my sister's creative streak provoked her to open a bohemian ranch for artists willing to pay egregious rent. I remember when she was sitting around in a beret, a few years after its completion, and decided to form a Christian Scientist rap group. Unfortunately, everyone thought she was crazy.

She convinced them that au contraire, they were the crazy ones, had them institutionalized, and began a solo career as "Land Lady Bling." Since she wasn't handed this opportunity on a silver platter, she predictably failed -- after recording a video of herself being crucified, rising to the Heavens, and sitting at both the right and left hands of the Father.

The birds and the D.'s

2006-06-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

My sister sat me down today and asked me if I knew where babies come from. I replied: "Not from you, that's for sure!"

D. thinks I'm so naive. She told me a baby is developed when two adults love each other. I don't think she's really qualified to speak on the ways of love, do you?

Greedy but not hateful

2006-06-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

My sister is very excited for Pride Week in D.C. and not because she's secretly a lesbian. She actually likes gays, especially those living with AIDS! She's kind of childish and thinks their lives are like her favorite musical, RENT.

D. broke the Internet

2006-06-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

I apologize for posting so late in the day. My sister spent most of the morning and afternoon managing her multiple online banking accounts, which put considerable strain on Internet servers throughout the world. Blogger was just one of the many websites to crash.

Did you know that her Wachovia online checking account requires its own dedicated Sun Fire X4200 server? Still, this beats the old days, when D. had to store her wealth in an abandoned airplane hangar.

Lack of a heart break

2006-06-09T11:17:00.000-07:00

No one, not even my sister, gets everything he or she wants. She apparently wanted to marry into the Medici family for reasons I'm sure you can guess, if you've been keeping up with my stories about the greedy old bitch.

When the family realized that she was unable to love, she was rejected. She made sure that they never produced an heir, and that's why their lineage died out in the 17th century.

Do I need a GED?

2006-06-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

I need to get a new job; D. is driving me crazy. OK, so maybe I don't do much around the Manor aside from shuffling papers and doing errands for my sister, but I posted my resume on CareerBuilder.com anyway. It can't hurt, right? (No more than electroshock therapy, that's for sure.) And who knows - maybe I'll find a job where I'm actually paid!

So, here's my resume. Any headhunters out there?

Landlady Bing

The Manor, Washington, D.C. - Birth until present
CRAZY REAL ESTATE HEIRESS

-Specialized in wealth management and evasion of my sister's lawyers
-Acted as a direct liaison between my sister and Switzerland
-Assisted in daily office operations

Ha ha ha - I wrote that last bullet as a joke. Everyone knows that there is never any work being done in my sister's office, and even if there were, it certainly wouldn't be on a daily basis!

The play's the thing, in which I'll catch the conscience of the greedy old bitch.

2006-06-07T07:30:00.000-07:00

My brother's in exile in Virginia, and I think she's slowly poisoning him to death. I know I'm crazy, but I can't help thinking that I might be right.

I want to put on a play for her about a woman who has everything, including two siblings (an asshole brother and a crazy sister) who love her. After robbing the sister that had always looked up to her, she moves in on the brother and tries to kill him with poison.

Is that too obvious?

Oh, sprinkles cost extra

2006-06-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

My sister is so cheap. She took me to Ben and Jerry's this afternoon and, using two gift certificates for a small ice cream, purchased cones for herself and me. When we left the store, D. snatched the frozen treat from my hands before I could even have a lick. We then drove to another Ben and Jerry's across town, where she attempted to return the cones in exchange for cash.

The cashier refused, of course. In response, D. burned down the entire store and collected on the insurance, since she owns every building in town.

She was the crazy sister last night!!!!

2006-06-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

It's getting kind of hot, so I spent the weekend making ice cream for my sister. Her favorite flavors are butter pecan and rum raisin.

Yesterday, she asked for butter pecan, but I was hankering to spread the chaos from my head into the world. I made rum raisin and added A LOT of rum. She was kind of skeptical at first, and I'm kind of surprised that her button nose didn't sniff out the extra rum. It looked so cute when she was licking her cone and accidentally got a bit of ice cream on the tip of that famous nose!

Anyway, she passed out in her own vomit last night. Should I wake her up?

She was the crazy sister last night!!!!

2006-06-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

It's getting kind of hot, so I spent the weekend making ice cream for my sister. Her favorite flavors are butter pecan and rum raisin.

Yesterday, she asked for butter pecan, but I was hankering to spread the chaos from my head into the world. I made rum raisin and added A LOT of rum. She was kind of skeptical at first, and I'm kind of surprised that her button nose didn't sniff out the extra rum. It looked so cute when she was licking her cone and accidentally got a bit of ice cream on the tip.

Anyway, she passed out in her own vomit last night. Should I wake her up?

Fun Facts

2006-06-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

I went to the laundry room last night to wash some of my padded wall coverings, but I got there at 9:30 p.m. - so I had 12 hours to kill before the machines would start up again. I've already flipped through all of the vintage cooking magazines, so I grabbed volume "D" of our incomplete Encyclopedia Britannica collection and came across a few interesting facts about my sister.

When my sister is around, even rubber balls are afraid to bounce.

My sister carries marked bills and a dye pack in her velvet satchel for in case she is robbed.

When used to describe my sister, the term "landlord" is misleading; she lords the land, as well as the wind and fire.

I know they teach most of these things in grade school, but I still thought it'd be interesting to bring them up.

Feast time!

2006-06-01T10:33:00.000-07:00

Most of you have probably read this somewhere, but my sister's birth name is actually "Dionysus." A few times each year, the Greeks would bring their valuable offerings to the riverbank, humbly hoping she would accept them.

During the reign of Emperor Constantine, she changed her name and modernized the ritual. I guess when you're immortal, the passage of time is kind of irrelevant, but D. misses the old days, if you ask me. I saw an enslaved tenant (redundant, I know), feeding her figs and fanning her voluptuous nude body -- and noticed that today is the first.

These dreams

2006-05-31T06:53:00.000-07:00

I've been told by the man in my television that it's never too late to start over, change careers, switch gears, etc. But what do you do when you've never actually had a career? Oh, sure, I assist my sister in running the family's property mismanagement company, but I consider it more a chore than a career. (My sister calls it "fulfilling a legacy" but I guess that serves as her legal reason for refusing me a living wage.)

Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamt of achieving my dreams. But that was 500 years ago, and look where I am today. (D. created a dream machine that destroys your hopes and aspirations and replaces them with thoughts of suicide. I always get a tingly feeling when she affixes the electrodes to my head!)

I hope she realizes that she has to pay them!

2006-05-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

Yearning to be the Donald Trump of Washington D.C., my sister is pushing the legislature to pass an initiative that would legalize gambling on the Anacostia and Potomac rivers. She wants to style her casinos to be like the Mississippi River showboats she used to play on as a little girl. She's even going to hire blacks -- one to stand at the front of each ship and sing "Old Man River."

Something old, something new

2006-05-26T08:36:00.000-07:00

I caught D. searching for pictures of TomKat on the Internet yesterday. Tom Cruise had previously offered my sister $1 million to take his hand in fake matrimony, but she declined. She mentioned something about the money not being enough and also the fact that she's a huge dyke.

I suppose it's for the better that a relative nobody and an international superstar did not marry; Tom could not have handled D.'s fame.

Unchained Memory

2006-05-25T07:14:00.000-07:00

After I finished running my sister's errands, I went to her apartment to "report back," as she had demanded. She was wrapped in a hand-woven quilt and asleep on her burgundy wingback chair, which she had acquired from the estate of Britain's royal family in a devious bet.

She had left a video playing last night -- old footage of her once famous Vaudeville act. I know she loved seeing her name on the marquis, but it all ended when she created a skit that was considered distastefully racist, even at a time when the KKK's popularity had peaked.

Broken family

2006-05-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

The tension between my sister and brother is climbing higher and faster than an apartment's rent ceiling in even my wildest, most unregulated of dreams. On one hand, you have my sister, who - although not braindead like myself - is certainly brainless at times; and on the other, you have my brother, who is an asshole. It makes for interesting bedfellows, that's for sure.

I can overhear my brother yelling at D.; he's citing my sister's arrest and the recent federal lawsuit against the family's property management company as grounds for her impeachment. She's claiming it's all a "Jewish conspiracy." What does she think this is - 9/11?

I'm scared for my brother

2006-05-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

My domineering sister has controlled the family properties, since I was liberated from my wealth. Now, after a plethora of federal lawsuits against my sister, my brother decided that maybe she wasn't doing that good of a job. And he confronted her about it!

I saw some familiar paperwork scattered around her desk. I think she's filing a petition with the government to deem him crazy and seize control of his assets. Or maybe she wants him dead? Last night, he woke up in the middle of the night with D. floating over his body. He thought he was dreaming, but this morning, he looked about 15 years older.

Dr. D.

2006-05-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

I ran a few errands for my sister this weekend. I didn't mind because D. very rarely allows me to roam the cityscape by my lonesome. I'll seize any opportunity to stray from the Manor for a while, even if it means having to drop off D.'s stool sample at Sibley along the way. (And boy, was it heavy!)

Speaking of involuntary enslavement, my sister needs me to drive her to UDC's Van Ness campus, where she recently began her doctorate program. She's hoping to earn a Ph.D. so that she can legally diagnose our brother as crazy and then sue him for his share of the inheritance. You can say what you want about my sister, but you have to admit that she's goal-oriented!

She looked like a helicopter!!!

2006-05-19T07:25:00.000-07:00

Last night, when my sister and I were going to Safeway, she was struck by a maniac in an SUV. I don't know what happened. I was waving the orange flag as we crossed the street, and next thing I know, I see her awkwardly cartwheeling 15 feet above ground.

She didn't get hurt though because she began to fly when she was midair.

Bounce with me, bounce with me

2006-05-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

I read this article in the Washington Post last week and was upset to find that my sister had not been interviewed. I suppose it's just as well; her views on check restitution policy are too extreme for the mainstream media. Not even Modern Landlady magazine will publish her editorials!

Besides, the article is absurd. Believe me when I say that D. has never needed to hire a private, for-profit "check-diversion company" to deal with a bounced check. She takes matters into her own hands, even if it means having to use someone else's garbage shoot. (Ours is too small to accomodate the body of an average-sized tenant.)

On a lighter note, consider the term "bad check." An oxymoron if I've ever heard of one!

Mistakes

2006-05-17T07:17:00.000-07:00

Benjamin Franklin proposed a wager with my sister when he famously said, "nothing is certain, but death and taxes," and almost 250 years later, she remains impervious to both. Unfortunately, Mr. Franklin has since fallen to the former -- before he ever paid her the gold coin they had bet!

The two met when he and a few friends were renting Independence Hall and a few of our family's other properties in the Philadelphia area. Benjamin had always been "on time" and "good for his money" my sister said, so she didn't anticipate any financial problems with him.

Some scholars apparently think that this was a posthumous prank by clever Benjamin Franklin. I know I'm crazy, and my brother's an asshole -- but sometimes I feel like my sister has no brains. I mean, knowing she's immortal, why would she make a bet with a mortal on her inability to die without getting her money up front?

And she's the one managing what used to be my wealth!

Rumor has it

2006-05-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

I know what many of you are thinking, but believe me when I say that the rumors are not true. In case you've been living under a rock for the past few days, there has been an absolute media frenzy surrounding my sister and the ridiculous allegations of her having had a nose job. It's really quite unbelievable what The New York Times considers news these days. Before-and-after photos of D. on the front page? And above the fold, no less! There are more important things going on in the world than my sister's button-nose. I don't understand the global fascination with it.

D. is in tears because she's made the cover of Us Weekly. I should never have mentioned my sister's affair with Nick Lachey to that editor.

D. might be fucking the mailman.

2006-05-15T10:49:00.000-07:00

My sister is very protective of her "children," a nickname she uses for tenants on the rare occassion that she feels affectionate. There's nothing she hates more than an empty apartment, after all, so she "looks out" for them. Every day, except Sunday, she rummages through their mail, looking for Anthrax and birthday money.

The Tell-tale Tenant

2006-05-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

Is it Friday yet? Oh my, it is! Well, thank goodness for that - it's been quite a week for me.

A few days ago, the tenants of No. 202 called my sister to report some sort of liquid dripping down the walls of their bathroom. I couldn't hear what the tenants were saying, but judging from D.'s incessant eyeball-rolling, I could tell this was going to be a big hassle - that is to say, a big hassle not for my sister, but for me.

D. instructed me to "get on it" but didn't bother to elaborate. Whatever - I probably should have called a plumber or something, but I figured I could handle the problem myself.

So, I went up to the apartment above No. 202 to see if the leak was stemming from the shower or toilet. I looked around the bathroom, but nothing jumped out at me... until I began to listen. I could hear a faint heartbeat coming from beneath the tile floor. I paused, and the noise became louder and louder. Soon my ears were ringing and I lost control and began tearing up the tile and clawing my way to the terrible, terrible noise!

Of course, nothing was there and I felt like a real idiot. I threw down a piece of plywood and some duct tape, hopefully the tenants won't notice.

I ate an entire jar of Ritalin.

2006-05-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

The laissez faire capitalism prevalent during turn of the century instilled the image of the heartless mogul, detached from the labor that built her empire. After the Russian Revolution, Marxist ideology infiltrated social frameworks -- some countries became Communist, while others saw a threatening increase in labor unions.

Today, some might argue, the Welfare State has handcuffed the market's Invisible Hand to domestic and foreign aid programs -- but that's just based on numbers in documents. Adam Smith's Invisible Hand actually belongs to my sister and doesn't lift a finger.

Secret

2006-05-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

My sister is spending most of her afternoon buttering up the Supreme Court justices today. She's trying to classify certain court documents that reference the code to the front door of our building. D. calls it "The D------- Code" - and, yes, it's what "The Da Vinci Code" was based on. There's no way the court will satisfy her request. Besides, everyone in the building knows what it is anyway.

When I told my sister this, she slapped me square across the face and shoved a bill of voided rent checks into my mouth. She told me, "This is a gag order - violate it, or else!" I love my sister. She's so funny!

Holidays

2006-05-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

My sister's favorite holiday is Landladies Day (the first of each month) because all the tenants give her gifts and she doesn't have to give anything in return. I suppose that's a bit selfish, but D. has always said it's far better to receive than to give - unless by "give" you mean "give a tenant 30 days' notice of a $47 rent increase." In that sense, D. has practically given away the store!

Not surprisingly, my sister's least favorite holiday is Mothers Day - and not just because it falls right smack in the middle of the month (the doldrums of any landlady's financial calendar). Rather, D. hates Mothers Day because she is nobody's mother and therefore cannot expect to receive a present of any kind. I should get her something this year - perhaps a baby? There's a whole shitload of 'em on the third floor.

Speaking of Mothers Day, I wonder whatever happened to my own mother. Her body's in my apartment somewhere, I just have to retrace my steps, I guess.

Ol' Money Bags

2006-05-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

My sister is thinking of raising rent again to give herself another small raise and to fund an "improvement" project. There's an unused belfry on the roof of the Manor, and she thinks it'd be nice to have someone ring the bell every month on the first.

Guess whose job that would be.

I'm obviously against this because I'd rather be playing with the padded walls in the elevator than doing stupid jobs for my sister. I tried stealing gold coins from her money bag, but she caught me. If I hadn't gotten out of my straight-jacket, I wouldn't have been able to blog today!

Aww

2006-05-05T06:32:00.000-07:00

The firsts of each month are definitely my sister's favorite times of the year because they reinforce her power over the tenants. Nevertheless, when the checks are all gathered and sent to Switzerland, she gets giddy again over the rising balance in her account. A lot of new people always move in during the summer, so she's especially happy right now.

Yesterday I paid her a surprise visit and caught her dancing around her apartment singing her favorite song, "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from The Little Mermaid.

Phew!

2006-05-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

I'm finally back in my cool apartment, if only for a second. My sister has been running errands all day from bank to bank, and I've had to follow her to hold the doors for her. She took an HOUR at Wachovia, due to security issues. (She doesn't have fingerprints.)

I had to stand there the whole time with the door open. She says she is who she is and has to look the part.

Not much going on, after a busy day...

2006-05-03T07:10:00.000-07:00

I played with my treasure-hole yesterday and some duct-tape. I ended up duct-taping a fan to the floor! LOL. I left it running; I'm sure my sister will find a way to profit from the extra use of electricity.

Last night, she kicked my butt (pardon my French) in Monopoly -- as usual. She always wins at that game. When she was in preschool, she took a career test; the result was "capitalist." Some people are just born great...

Anyway, I love Monopoly, even though my sister used it to prove I was incapable of taking care of my wealth in Court. She and I used to go on double dates with the Parker brothers, so they made a version featuring some of our family's properties. It's soooo nice. The pieces are made of Nazi gold!

A hard day's work

2006-05-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

I apologize for updating so late in the day; the second of every month is always a busy time here at the Manor, as you might imagine.

At 11:59 p.m. yesterday, I headed down to the lobby with my sister to inspect the avalanche of rent checks that awaited us just behind her office's golden mail slot. As D. stood at a safe distance, I approached the door in full riot gear, bracing myself for the impact of more than $75,000 worth of checks. Luck was on my side this month; I suffered only minor cuts and bleeding. The great news is that D. now owes me a whole Salmon P. Chase; she bet $10,000 that I'd sustain internal injuries! Not this time, Sis. Not this time.

Once I heaved open the door, I waited for D.'s return from the Home Depot in Hyattsville, where my sister was picking up a few day laborers to assist her in transporting all the checks from the vestibule to the office. Due to the previous day's protest, the laborers were well-rested and unusually vigorous in their toil. D. gave each of them a gold coin from her velvet satchel, partly as a reward for their work, but mostly because her satchel was getting too heavy from the weight of her unfathomable wealth.

*Yawn* The checks are on their way to Sweden, and I am on my way to bed. The withdrawal won't appear in the tenants' checking accounts until at least the 20th - just in time for the next month's rent!

Secret

2006-05-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend washing my sister's linens in the hot springs underneath the Manor. I didn't really get to enjoy the sun, but my sister's nose can predict the weather; she says that it won't rain anytime soon.

I found a dead bird and used its blood to write my name on a picture of the Pope. I hid it in the wall of a bathroom closet (where I tore a hole), but if anyone finds it, they'll know who to give it to! I've been using that hole to hide all of my treasures.

Everytime I get something nice, my sister takes it from me because I can't take care of it as well as she can. It's not like she takes care of my things though; she just sells them.