I can't feel my legs, and it's not the pills!

Sorry I haven't updated. I just got back from work. It's a long commute to-and-fro Alexandria, and I walk. I wish my sister would give me a ride in her Benz convertible. She even drove by me last night with the top down, screaming out "money ain't a thing."

Aliens

I think my sister should allow more people from Mexico and below (to make matters easier we'll call them all Mexicans) live in the building. I think people are starting to realize my sister has made an illegal immigrant her slave. Despite Americans general disregard for rights of illegal aliens at the Manor the residents are for more rational. I don't think they would approve of my sister keeping a slave in the building.

Sorry

I haven't been able to update much recently because my sister has been hogging the computer. She started her own blog -- here.

I've always been the more persistent one. I think she's always been jealous of that. She tried to kill it by having me institutionalized for being monomaniacal... and dangerously disillusioned.

Girls just wanna have fun.

Its electric

My sister is worried about the rising costs of the electric bills - she still doesn't believe her energy stocks are enough to keep her afloat - she is trying anything possible to cut costs. She took out her prized gun, a Westley Richards Single Barrel, and shot the lights out in the back of the building. Now she wont have to pay for the motion detector in the lightly travelled back alley.

This wasn't enough for my sister. She thinks that the residents have been spoiled with more than one light in the laundry room. She made me climb up onto the machine and unscrew the light over the dryer. This is not all, I also had to unscrew the lights in the hallway and near the water meter.

My sister has charged me with the duty of maintaining this project, whenever children screw the lights back in I have to unscrew them. This game could go on forever, it is not fun and my arms hurt.

Dominus D.

Of all the world's religions, Christian Science appeals most to my sister. After all, followers believe God's will determines whether and when they fall ill or die. I think D. worries about a power out there higher than herself, but likes the assurance that He wants her to be alive -- forever.

She permitted a few Christian Scientists to live freely (not for free, mind you) in the building, hoping that maybe they'd put in a good word for her. They came and left as they wished -- until this weekend, when they found out she had a sister whom she heavily medicated. They left for good, I think. She's pretty upset.

Maybe it's the $1500 that won't be there for her next month, or maybe -- just maybe, Momma D. doesn't like to see her children leave the nest.

Pack Rat

My sister loves material items. She loves them so much she refuses to throw anything way. She has so much junk that when she opens her closet, or even her office, junk just comes billowing out. If she believed in throwing things away wouldn't she make the garbage shoot a reasonable size. Something that could at least fit a 250lbs body?

Dirty Old Bitch

Given everything she does for the building -- that is, recruit tenants and collect their rent -- a lot of people are awestruck to learn that my sister doesn't use a computer system. She's actually scared of technology.

In fact, she doesn't shower, but takes baths or goes to bathhouses a la ancient Rome.

Manor of Hard Knocks

During the Great Depression (And it was pretty great!), the Manor was an orphanage, and D. was its keeper. She ruled the roost with an iron fist, profiting in many ways from the children she giddily held captive. One fond memory that comes to mind involves a little girl who once dared stray from her quarters past curfew. When morning came and she discovered that D. had not amputated any limbs (as D. is wont to do to little girls that misbehave), the girl breathed a sigh of relief - she had gotten away with it!

Of course, D. had the last laugh. The little girl grew older and became striken with ovarian cancer. It's amazing what happens when your orphanlady poisons your breakfast with lead paint chips every morning for seven years!

Fraud

My sister is contemplating accepting rent via credit cards. Her strategy is to get the tenents (nay, children) to trust her enough to give her their credit card numbers. Then she will start buying all the oil in Alaska using their credit cards.

The landlady days

The dog days of August are a lot worse when you're anxiously awaiting Sept 1. In fact, the only day in August that my sister likes is the 1st -- which she calls a "puppy day."

Every year on that day, she wears a sweatshirt with a puppy ironed onto the front.

Final answer

MTV approached my sister about shooting a pilot episode for a reality show tentatively titled "Who Wants to Be a Landlady?" D. would be the host - of course - but problems have already arisen due to my sister's demands in regard to compensation. She wants to charge the contestants, the crew and even the audience a monthly fee to participate in the show. The producers begged her to reconsider, but D. stuck to her guns. "This business model has worked for me my entire life, and I'm not about to change my ways for some fancy Hollywood types," my sister said. I'm proud of D. for sticking to her values - of course, when your values are as valuable as my sister's, you'd be a fool to abandon them!

Alright, I'm outta here - I gots to take a dump.

Abracadabra

My sister has a little trick she always does at children's birthday parties. She swallows a lump of coal (yes, this began one Christmas when she was a little girl) and -- voila! -- shits out a diamond.

In fact, the engagement ring JFK gave to Jackie was a gift to the Kennedys from my sister. She never liked the Democrats much!

TMI?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of my sister's heart?

Trick question! D. doesn't have a heart. Also, she's more anal than oral, if you know what I mean.

None of your beeswax!

From now on, if someone asks me about my sister's orientation, I'm just going to say "sexual." It's not like she's applying for jobs... or reproducing by any means other than spreading her spores.

Imagine if a tenant tried this with rent!

Noticing that my sister was in her office, the plumber walked in and demanded, "You're so cheap, you squeak when you walk. I haven't been paid in 2 months, and I have a family to feed!"

She leaned into him and whispered, "I seem to have misplaced my coin purse. Isn't there any other way I can pay you?" He ran out screaming...

New Job

I read on a phone pole this afternoon that I could make up to $500 a week if I called the number on the flyer. This seemed like a lot of money at the time, but when I calculated the figures on D.'s abacus, I realized that my sister makes that same sum in an hour!

Are there any other easy ways a desperate woman like myself could make $500 in an hour? Let me know if you think of anything!

SECRET

I took a book out of the laundry room/library, and the wall rotated, revealing a safe full of stolen laundry money. Oh big sis, they never run out, do they?

Poor Unfortunate D.

A tenant came to D.'s office yesterday to inform her that she'd soon be moving out. My sister just laughed and said that the only way you could terminate your lease is if you bought the apartment back from our family.

"The only way to get what you want is to become a landlady yourself," D. said.

The tenant glared at my sister with suspicion. "Can you do that?"

"My dear, sweet child," D. said. "That's what I do. It's what I live for. To help unfortunate tenants like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to."

It was D. who then brought up the subject of payment. "I'm not asking much," my sister said. "Just a token, really, a trifle! What I want from you is - your voice."

The tenant objected, of course, and fled from the room. Whatever - D.'s a very busy woman and she hasn't got all day. An apartment at the Manor doesn't cost much. Just your voice!