First of July

Tenants are somehow under the impression that rent is due not on the first day of the month, but the first business day of the month. I bring this up because the first of the month falls on a Saturday this time around.

That said, Monday is not a federal holiday. If you don't turn in rent by Monday, be prepared to face the boundless, unhinged fury of my sister. You'll be spending the Fourth of July on the lawn of the Mall, enjoying the fireworks, but there you'll stay, because you'll be homeless and have nowhere else to go.

Have a great weekend!

OK U 2

My brother and sister have been at each other's throats, ever since the rains came and almost destroyed the roof. She thinks she's going to get money from FEMA for buckets to scoop out the water, but he says she has no brains. I think he's being an asshole because she has a PhD. in the Inhumanities. I'm sick of hearing it, so I keep saying "OK, you two," hoping they'll notice I'm the normal one. Nothing yet...

Never Forget

My sister is still angry about Sunday's storm. When the fire department came to clear water from the roof, they simply tossed it off the edge. D. had actually wanted them to transfer the water to 20-ounce bottles so that she could sell them to tenants and turn a profit.

My sister also failed to capitalize on all the free electricity that has been shooting down from the Heavens, so she's angry about that, too.

At least the first is coming up...

The past few days have apparently been hell for my sister. I've been too heavily medicated to notice though. I woke up on Sunday evening to the smell of a wet dog and looked up to see her drenched in water. She had been flying around looking for an open bank, under the assumption that all banks are run by Jews and are thus closed on Saturday, not Sunday.

She made me get a bucket and scoop a few metric tons of water off of the roof, in the middle of a thunderstorm. I have a metal plate in my head and could have easily been struck by lighting. She just doesn't care.

Good times

My sister and I have a lot in common. For instance, we are both really into the green stuff.

UPDATE: I'm talking about money. Jesus, what did you think I meant?

Ouch

It burns when I poop, and I don't remember eating anything spicy. I woke up in a daze this morning and think my sister may have installed a tracking device while I was asleep.

Now what?

Monster D. Hit

OH MY GOD, I AM SO HIGH.

Hot damn, I've got more downers in me than a mental hospital. Shiiit.

At least her apartment has a window...

I've been taking care of my sister today. She was travelling through a time-warp and hit her head. Apparently, November 1, 1929 (the first Landlady's day after the Stock Market Crash) was particularly rewarding.

D. = Zee?

I've been thinking a lot about gender identity - my sister's gender identity, in particular. Sure, her hands are as large as her savings account, but really, what does that mean?

I still think she is a woman, regardless of what she drunkenly confessed to me last night.

I was made for showbiz!

Sorry I didn't update on Friday. My sister turned off the internet to punish me for my misbehavior on Thursday night. She says that the Internet makes solitary confinement a lot less effective.

Anyway...

The Freemasons, a collection of people with whom she's had sex throughout the years, roasted her that evening. Caught up in everything, she forgot to give me the day's medication.

She sipped scotch and puffed on a corn cob pipe, listening to their banter. Suddenly, I don't know what got into me, but I started screaming "A corn cob pipe and a button-nose and a soul made out of coal!" The crowd thought I was hilarious, and someone even suggested that maybe I wasn't crazy and could easily manage my finances!

At least her button nose is Heavenly.

One summer, my sister's creative streak provoked her to open a bohemian ranch for artists willing to pay egregious rent. I remember when she was sitting around in a beret, a few years after its completion, and decided to form a Christian Scientist rap group. Unfortunately, everyone thought she was crazy.

She convinced them that au contraire, they were the crazy ones, had them institutionalized, and began a solo career as "Land Lady Bling." Since she wasn't handed this opportunity on a silver platter, she predictably failed -- after recording a video of herself being crucified, rising to the Heavens, and sitting at both the right and left hands of the Father.

The birds and the D.'s

My sister sat me down today and asked me if I knew where babies come from. I replied: "Not from you, that's for sure!"

D. thinks I'm so naive. She told me a baby is developed when two adults love each other. I don't think she's really qualified to speak on the ways of love, do you?

Greedy but not hateful

My sister is very excited for Pride Week in D.C. and not because she's secretly a lesbian. She actually likes gays, especially those living with AIDS! She's kind of childish and thinks their lives are like her favorite musical, RENT.

D. broke the Internet

I apologize for posting so late in the day. My sister spent most of the morning and afternoon managing her multiple online banking accounts, which put considerable strain on Internet servers throughout the world. Blogger was just one of the many websites to crash.

Did you know that her Wachovia online checking account requires its own dedicated Sun Fire X4200 server? Still, this beats the old days, when D. had to store her wealth in an abandoned airplane hangar.

Lack of a heart break

No one, not even my sister, gets everything he or she wants. She apparently wanted to marry into the Medici family for reasons I'm sure you can guess, if you've been keeping up with my stories about the greedy old bitch.

When the family realized that she was unable to love, she was rejected. She made sure that they never produced an heir, and that's why their lineage died out in the 17th century.

Do I need a GED?

I need to get a new job; D. is driving me crazy. OK, so maybe I don't do much around the Manor aside from shuffling papers and doing errands for my sister, but I posted my resume on CareerBuilder.com anyway. It can't hurt, right? (No more than electroshock therapy, that's for sure.) And who knows - maybe I'll find a job where I'm actually paid!

So, here's my resume. Any headhunters out there?

Landlady Bing

The Manor, Washington, D.C. - Birth until present
CRAZY REAL ESTATE HEIRESS

-Specialized in wealth management and evasion of my sister's lawyers
-Acted as a direct liaison between my sister and Switzerland
-Assisted in daily office operations

Ha ha ha - I wrote that last bullet as a joke. Everyone knows that there is never any work being done in my sister's office, and even if there were, it certainly wouldn't be on a daily basis!

The play's the thing, in which I'll catch the conscience of the greedy old bitch.

My brother's in exile in Virginia, and I think she's slowly poisoning him to death. I know I'm crazy, but I can't help thinking that I might be right.

I want to put on a play for her about a woman who has everything, including two siblings (an asshole brother and a crazy sister) who love her. After robbing the sister that had always looked up to her, she moves in on the brother and tries to kill him with poison.

Is that too obvious?

Oh, sprinkles cost extra

My sister is so cheap. She took me to Ben and Jerry's this afternoon and, using two gift certificates for a small ice cream, purchased cones for herself and me. When we left the store, D. snatched the frozen treat from my hands before I could even have a lick. We then drove to another Ben and Jerry's across town, where she attempted to return the cones in exchange for cash.

The cashier refused, of course. In response, D. burned down the entire store and collected on the insurance, since she owns every building in town.

She was the crazy sister last night!!!!

It's getting kind of hot, so I spent the weekend making ice cream for my sister. Her favorite flavors are butter pecan and rum raisin.

Yesterday, she asked for butter pecan, but I was hankering to spread the chaos from my head into the world. I made rum raisin and added A LOT of rum. She was kind of skeptical at first, and I'm kind of surprised that her button nose didn't sniff out the extra rum. It looked so cute when she was licking her cone and accidentally got a bit of ice cream on the tip of that famous nose!

Anyway, she passed out in her own vomit last night. Should I wake her up?

She was the crazy sister last night!!!!

It's getting kind of hot, so I spent the weekend making ice cream for my sister. Her favorite flavors are butter pecan and rum raisin.

Yesterday, she asked for butter pecan, but I was hankering to spread the chaos from my head into the world. I made rum raisin and added A LOT of rum. She was kind of skeptical at first, and I'm kind of surprised that her button nose didn't sniff out the extra rum. It looked so cute when she was licking her cone and accidentally got a bit of ice cream on the tip.

Anyway, she passed out in her own vomit last night. Should I wake her up?

Fun Facts

I went to the laundry room last night to wash some of my padded wall coverings, but I got there at 9:30 p.m. - so I had 12 hours to kill before the machines would start up again. I've already flipped through all of the vintage cooking magazines, so I grabbed volume "D" of our incomplete Encyclopedia Britannica collection and came across a few interesting facts about my sister.

When my sister is around, even rubber balls are afraid to bounce.

My sister carries marked bills and a dye pack in her velvet satchel for in case she is robbed.

When used to describe my sister, the term "landlord" is misleading; she lords the land, as well as the wind and fire.

I know they teach most of these things in grade school, but I still thought it'd be interesting to bring them up.

Feast time!

Most of you have probably read this somewhere, but my sister's birth name is actually "Dionysus." A few times each year, the Greeks would bring their valuable offerings to the riverbank, humbly hoping she would accept them.

During the reign of Emperor Constantine, she changed her name and modernized the ritual. I guess when you're immortal, the passage of time is kind of irrelevant, but D. misses the old days, if you ask me. I saw an enslaved tenant (redundant, I know), feeding her figs and fanning her voluptuous nude body -- and noticed that today is the first.